I will train her to do my bidding.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
What the fuck?
Seriously, where the fuck did time go? I used to be a young boy with a knife... Now I am not allowed to use knives because they cost more than my life and my pumpkin is the size of an apple. And, there is no Doug here. WHAT THE FUCK?
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Why won't this teacher die already?
Everytime I goto this class I kind of just sit in front and daydream about this lady... I dream of different ways she would die. I have started a list in my head. Here are some of my favorite deaths.
With holloween coming up the first and best death I can think of is...
1. Carve her head up like a pumpkin.
2. Submit her to a giant magnifying glass.
3. ... on the subject of 2, pull her limbs off with tweezers.
4. Push her out into traffic while simultaniously running her over... I need two of me.
5. You know how Wiley-Coyote falls and an anvil lands on his head?
6. Alanis Moriset opens her mouth and my teachers head explodes.
7. For some reason the movie Death Becomes Her comes to mind... a bazooka to the chest sounds great.
8. A large injection of gasoline and then the magnifying glass again.
9. Shoot her into the sun.
10. Flush her down the toilet.
These are just a few of my ideas, does anyone else have some suggestions?
With holloween coming up the first and best death I can think of is...
1. Carve her head up like a pumpkin.
2. Submit her to a giant magnifying glass.
3. ... on the subject of 2, pull her limbs off with tweezers.
4. Push her out into traffic while simultaniously running her over... I need two of me.
5. You know how Wiley-Coyote falls and an anvil lands on his head?
6. Alanis Moriset opens her mouth and my teachers head explodes.
7. For some reason the movie Death Becomes Her comes to mind... a bazooka to the chest sounds great.
8. A large injection of gasoline and then the magnifying glass again.
9. Shoot her into the sun.
10. Flush her down the toilet.
These are just a few of my ideas, does anyone else have some suggestions?
Monday, October 16, 2006
Space Monkey
Everyone at one point in their life has got to be thinking, "I wish I was one of those space monkeys." Ponder that thought for a moment. . . . . . . .
...
...
...
Okay, now that you have thought it over, you know it's true. Sometimes people are just so frustrated by everything around them that they just wish that they were something else, somewhere else, sometimes just dead. A space monkey surely would cover all three of these criteria. You will be shot into space behind a few million pounds of force and a flame that could melt pretty much whatever you threw into it, which covers the first two things... being a monkey and being in space... eventually though you are gonna die, maybe the rocket will blow up, then you'll be a famous space monkey.
That has got to be cool.
We all want to be space monkeys sometimes.
...
...
...
Okay, now that you have thought it over, you know it's true. Sometimes people are just so frustrated by everything around them that they just wish that they were something else, somewhere else, sometimes just dead. A space monkey surely would cover all three of these criteria. You will be shot into space behind a few million pounds of force and a flame that could melt pretty much whatever you threw into it, which covers the first two things... being a monkey and being in space... eventually though you are gonna die, maybe the rocket will blow up, then you'll be a famous space monkey.
That has got to be cool.
We all want to be space monkeys sometimes.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Just a thought
Everybody makes friends, when you're younger you make a ton of them. When you get older it becomes a little harder. People grow in their ways and separate themselves from those they deem "un-friendable." Slowly you start to weed out the friends you have. Friendships grow and some die, but there is always one there.
Eventually as a person grows up they start to realize that some friends are just mere acquaintances, others aren't even that. And, there are levels to this friendship thing... you have your Best Friend(s), your close friends, your friends, acquaintances, random individuals you may meet or depend on, and former friends.
A best friend is at the top of the list, generally this is reserved for a single person that you can confide in, know virtually everything about between each other, can often know the other persons thoughts, and, while they get along perfectly well, they accept that the other one is a unique individual who has their own opinions and tastes that differ from your own. I have found that a person can have a maximum of 2 best friends, and these two best friends don't even need to like each other (mine do), and rarely (if ever) even see each other outside of your presence. But, they understand and accept each other as an integral part of the best friend's self and well being. Best friends are rarely replaced as years grow in relationship and distance is not a factor in their friendship.
A close friend is similar to a best friend, however, they have distinct differences that make them less than a best friend. These differences are not easily recognizable and cannot be seen... unlike a best friend, close friends rarely can read the thought of each other and there are some things that they do not confide in each other, whether it be because they forgot, or just have this uncomfortable feeling that is unexplained. These friendships are hard to replace, but it is not rare that a close friend leaves the close friend status. This can happen for reasons such as growing of age and personalities or because of a change in the physical distance between the close friends. I cannot put an arbitrary number on the amount of close friends a person can have, but I have never had more than 9 or 10 tops... this seems to be about the breaking point for close friends.
A friend is much different from the first two, a friend can grow into a close friend and in rare cases a best friend, or could have previously been one of the two and the relationship has withered with time. Friends are easily distinguishable, they enjoy each others company, though it isn't something that will certainly happen. Plans can be made, broken, loosely based. Interaction can be made because of where that person works, goes to school or lives. As a person grows these friends come and go, often to be made up of memories of the past or in the making. Distance is difficult if you are simply friends, one may not make the complete effort and over time the friendship will likely end. It is not a bad ending, just one that fades to black.
Acquaintances are those people you interact with, you may meet at a bar once or twice and know each other in a way that would seem to be a friendship... neither person knows much of the past of the other and favorite colors, animals, beverage are not something that will ever been known between the two. Mary simply is the desk across from yours and you drop forms off and talk about the weather and how little Joey is doing in school.
Random Individuals are just that, people you meet and never get the chance to know.
Former friends can be made up of the first three categories, sadly they are the ones that time and distance have taken its toll on. These people often fade away or have pushed/been pushed away. Breakups happen in varying ways and it is unimportant how they happen.
Sometimes friendships downgrade with time, a childhood best friend moves away or grows a little and they simply become close friends... then another thing happens to them, maybe more distance and they are just friends. After an amount of time has passed they talk less and less and somehow so much has changed between the two individuals that they are just mere acquaintances that share a laugh on AOL Instant Messenger or through Hotmail. After some time this too will fade and all that will be left is the memories you two share of grade school or highschool or college days and then it all fades to black.
...
...
...
Now that all that has soaked in and you are pondering away at what friends of yours are what, just remember, I am not a duck.
Eventually as a person grows up they start to realize that some friends are just mere acquaintances, others aren't even that. And, there are levels to this friendship thing... you have your Best Friend(s), your close friends, your friends, acquaintances, random individuals you may meet or depend on, and former friends.
A best friend is at the top of the list, generally this is reserved for a single person that you can confide in, know virtually everything about between each other, can often know the other persons thoughts, and, while they get along perfectly well, they accept that the other one is a unique individual who has their own opinions and tastes that differ from your own. I have found that a person can have a maximum of 2 best friends, and these two best friends don't even need to like each other (mine do), and rarely (if ever) even see each other outside of your presence. But, they understand and accept each other as an integral part of the best friend's self and well being. Best friends are rarely replaced as years grow in relationship and distance is not a factor in their friendship.
A close friend is similar to a best friend, however, they have distinct differences that make them less than a best friend. These differences are not easily recognizable and cannot be seen... unlike a best friend, close friends rarely can read the thought of each other and there are some things that they do not confide in each other, whether it be because they forgot, or just have this uncomfortable feeling that is unexplained. These friendships are hard to replace, but it is not rare that a close friend leaves the close friend status. This can happen for reasons such as growing of age and personalities or because of a change in the physical distance between the close friends. I cannot put an arbitrary number on the amount of close friends a person can have, but I have never had more than 9 or 10 tops... this seems to be about the breaking point for close friends.
A friend is much different from the first two, a friend can grow into a close friend and in rare cases a best friend, or could have previously been one of the two and the relationship has withered with time. Friends are easily distinguishable, they enjoy each others company, though it isn't something that will certainly happen. Plans can be made, broken, loosely based. Interaction can be made because of where that person works, goes to school or lives. As a person grows these friends come and go, often to be made up of memories of the past or in the making. Distance is difficult if you are simply friends, one may not make the complete effort and over time the friendship will likely end. It is not a bad ending, just one that fades to black.
Acquaintances are those people you interact with, you may meet at a bar once or twice and know each other in a way that would seem to be a friendship... neither person knows much of the past of the other and favorite colors, animals, beverage are not something that will ever been known between the two. Mary simply is the desk across from yours and you drop forms off and talk about the weather and how little Joey is doing in school.
Random Individuals are just that, people you meet and never get the chance to know.
Former friends can be made up of the first three categories, sadly they are the ones that time and distance have taken its toll on. These people often fade away or have pushed/been pushed away. Breakups happen in varying ways and it is unimportant how they happen.
Sometimes friendships downgrade with time, a childhood best friend moves away or grows a little and they simply become close friends... then another thing happens to them, maybe more distance and they are just friends. After an amount of time has passed they talk less and less and somehow so much has changed between the two individuals that they are just mere acquaintances that share a laugh on AOL Instant Messenger or through Hotmail. After some time this too will fade and all that will be left is the memories you two share of grade school or highschool or college days and then it all fades to black.
...
...
...
Now that all that has soaked in and you are pondering away at what friends of yours are what, just remember, I am not a duck.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Poor Pluto
Someday, when I'm old as hell, I will tell my grandchildren of the planet once known as pluto.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Bored
I have become bored and thus this blog is suffering the consequences of my boredom... that and another school year has started. Let the headaches and therefore, mass consumptions of aspirin begin!
Also, the words of the day are Innocuous, Inordinate, and Insidious.
Also, the words of the day are Innocuous, Inordinate, and Insidious.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
The Real BatMobile
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Real Men of Genius
I think it is imposible to turn on the radio and not hear Bud Light's commercials of Real Men of Genius... I just have to say that they are incredibly funny. Everyone should go here, scroll down and listen to them. NOW.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Parallel Universe
Somewhere there is a parallel universe where chickens chop human heads off and watch them run around in circles. They laugh like we do.
Hotdog Raid
Following the end of the awesome month and a half of comics from the great comic maker, Mr. Doug Mabry, I have borrowed some of his work to create what I feel should be a most enjoyable comic for all. To understand this comic fully the reader will have to visit Doug's awesome blog and find the Out To Lunch comic strip he posted about a month ago.
And now for the comic which I have entitled, Hotdog Raid. Enjoy! (Especially Doug)
And now for the comic which I have entitled, Hotdog Raid. Enjoy! (Especially Doug)
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
My Bizzare Aunt
Most everybody can claim that they have weird relatives, because it is true. But, how many can claim to have an aunt who is highly Christian Orthodox (ie, goes to church every Sunday and holiday, won't use the "lord's name in vain," etc.), yet sells sex toys and erotic lotions on the side and drives a tiny school bus?
Anyone???
Well, I can. And, this week she has her very own booth at the Lake County Fair selling her stuff... I imagine it looks a lot like this........
Go and see her at the Lake County Fairgrounds and tell her I sent you!
Anyone???
Well, I can. And, this week she has her very own booth at the Lake County Fair selling her stuff... I imagine it looks a lot like this........
Go and see her at the Lake County Fairgrounds and tell her I sent you!
Monday, July 10, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
The Boy Has a Point
This conversation really happened.
Randy's cell phone rings.
Dad: Is that your other girlfriend calling?
Danielle: He has 20 girlfriends...
Randy: Yeah, she (Danielle) has 20 personalities.
I laugh uncontrollably.
Randy's cell phone rings.
Dad: Is that your other girlfriend calling?
Danielle: He has 20 girlfriends...
Randy: Yeah, she (Danielle) has 20 personalities.
I laugh uncontrollably.
Friday, June 30, 2006
True Story
I am not making this up, it is 100% true. It is illegal to sell fireworks in Florida with the intent to light them off, unless it is to "scare the birds." Upon purchasing fireworks the customer is required to sign a waiver stating that the intent of their purchase of bottle-rockets or similar noise making device is to indeed "scare away the birds."
My guess is that the sales of bird scaring devices suddenly sky rockets around this time of year.
My guess is that the sales of bird scaring devices suddenly sky rockets around this time of year.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Just Remember
Girls may be able to have babies, but we men can stand up and pee in any direction we choose!
Monday, June 26, 2006
Monkeys have other uses.
Sure, monkeys make great rocket ship companions, but there are other things they are good for too... I mean come on, they do that thing where they throw their poo... and they might have other great qualities.
Oh, How it could be...
Sometimes I wish I didn't have a sister, the rest of the time I just wish I had a gun and a get out of jail free card.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
PB&J Instructions
Here are the promised instructions to assembling your very own peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
PB&J
I can think of no better midnight snack than 2 peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches. Here is my recipe: 4 slices of fresh bread (no end-pieces!), Smuckers Strawberry Preserves (this comes with full strawberries in the jelly!), Skippy Extra Crunchy Peanutbutter (this is the only brand that is acceptable). Next time I will instruct on how to assemble the sandwiches.
A Boy for Danielle
Danielle finally has met a guy that I actually enjoy. If only there was a way to convince them to get married, buy a place together and somehow keep Danielle from being a super bitch and screwing it up. Even if it means morphine being shipped in by the semi-load.
What to do???
I finally have this nice, new, awesome camera and nothing to take pictures of. I would have taken one of Danielle trying to kill us this afternoon with a fire that was out of control and right above two propane tanks, but I was busy trying to put it out so that I could live to take pictures of other cool things... Hopefully these cool things will come soon. Until then let us watch in anticipation of Doug's awesomeness in comic making. Praise El Dougo!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
The Best Shave of My Life
Today I bought The new Gillette Fusion Power Razor... Because I was in need of a new razor and it was cheaper than the manual one.... I thought to myself that I couldn't see how a battery making the razor vibrate could help me not cut my face and head. Upon trying it, it was the quickest, most bloodless and smooth shave I have ever had. I am simply at a loss for words.
Now We Play the Waiting Game
The camera has been ordered and should be here Wednesday!
Isn't it beautiful???
Isn't it beautiful???Saturday, June 17, 2006
Friday, June 16, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Saturday, June 10, 2006
General Announcement
From this point forward there will be no further posts that involve Alf or the Alf look-a-like Tim Thomas.
Becoming a Man.
The first step in becoming a man is not what many think it is, on the contrary, the first step is being able to make your own damn sandwich. Not the widely help belief of admitting you don't know the answer and are stupid. And, upon completion of said sandwich (which should be packed with lots of meat if you truly are a man) devouring it in 3 to 5 bites. The other route to becoming a man is to make someone else make the sandwich immediately upon the given order so that you may devour it in 3 to 5 bites.
This is the first step to becoming a man.
This is the first step to becoming a man.
Friday, June 09, 2006
The Future, The Weather, and Some Good Advice to a Friend...
Auto response from Lauren: Tonight was one of the worst nights I have ever had and I would do anything to erase it from memory. I am absolutely disgusted with the male gender and have never felt so violated in public. Shame on YOU!
Me: I'm sorry guys suck.
Lauren: Yes they do!
Me: Only like 95% do.
Lauren: Ok, I will give you that.
Me: I hate most of them too.
Me: Sarah thought it was odd that most of my friends are not actually guys.
Lauren: That’s good to know, but you are one of the good ones, so you have nothing to worry about.
Lauren: Haha.
Lauren: Maybe you are more enlightened than most men.
Me: Eh.
Me: I wouldn't go that far.
Lauren: LOL
Me: I just don't enjoy the company of a bunch of losers whose good time consists of trying to "pick up chicks" while being too drunk to think.
Lauren: That’s exactly what happened tonight except they got grabby with their hands.
Me: Bastards.
Lauren: Exactly.
Me: They give guys like me a bad name... I hate them.
Lauren: It’s true, and it’s not fair.
Me: I agree.
Lauren: Well Chris, thanks for the chat, but I’m beat, I think I’m going to turn in.
Me: Okay.
Lauren: You need to bring some of the
Me: LOL
Lauren: Seriously, I think there will be frost tonight.
Me: That is horrible.
Lauren: It is.
Me: That's why I'm trying to move down here.
Me:
Me: I think eventually I will end up in
Lauren: Why there?
Lauren: Is it cheap to live?
Me: Warm and dry.
Lauren: Bad for the skin.
Me: Only if you don't take care of yourself.
Lauren: Very true.
Me: I have that Greek skin.
Me: It doesn't really bother me.
Lauren: Yeah, mines Armenian so I’m pretty well set, I hope.
Me: That's good.
Me: Anyways, don't let retard guys get you down.
Lauren: Haha, I’ll try not to.
Me: And, I won't think any worse of you if you change teams... :-P
Lauren: LOL
Lauren: I’ll keep that in mind.
Me: LOL
Lauren: Have a good night Chris.
Me: Okay, you too.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Things to Come...
If I ever get ahold of a digital camera (and I will soon, I hope) there will definitely be pictures of dead possums posted.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
What's For Dinner?
Mom: Did you buy cigarettes today?
Dad: No.
Mom: What are we going to have for dinner then?
Dad: That makes no sense.
Me: apparently Mom was planning on serving cigarettes for dinner tonight...
Dad: No.
Mom: What are we going to have for dinner then?
Dad: That makes no sense.
Me: apparently Mom was planning on serving cigarettes for dinner tonight...
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
Not the Land of Opportunity.
America may have been the land of opportunity at one time, but times have changed. Read this.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
"A Common Occurrence"
Apparently the auxiliary engine failing to start is a common occurrence for airplanes... or so my pilot wanted us to believe. I think he's a moron.
How Stupid is Too Stupid?
Today, after spending yesterday at Grandma's before making my flight to Florida, I need to ask the question, how stupid is too stupid? The answer is a resounding, I don't know. But, I do know this, my cousin Jennifer tops the cake. For example, yesterday upon seeing me she proceded to say, "oh my god, Christopher, are you bald?!" Clearly I am bald (by choice). The next question she boldly asked was, "how did you get bald?!" My first reaction was to get a splitting headache and ask myself, how am I related to this dumbshit. Quickly I shot back, "upon entering your door I became scared, turned white, and my hair fell out." She might believe that, it wouldn't surprise me anyways.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Asian Kid Day
Today will forever be known as Asian Kid Day, one of the few days not created by Hallmark. This day will be dedicated to those awesome Asian kids who, day after day, create the things I love... Things like my Sony tv and my shoes that somehow don't fall apart as quickly as the American ones, and some computers. Is there anything an Asian kid can't do??? I think not.
A Good Day
You definitely know it's going to be a good day when you look outside at noon, it's black outside, and you turn on the tv to a five minute "Beep Beep Beep Beep..." It's a great day to finish my final exams!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
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