True Story

I am not making this up, it is 100% true. It is illegal to sell fireworks in Florida with the intent to light them off, unless it is to "scare the birds." Upon purchasing fireworks the customer is required to sign a waiver stating that the intent of their purchase of bottle-rockets or similar noise making device is to indeed "scare away the birds."

My guess is that the sales of bird scaring devices suddenly sky rockets around this time of year.

What the Fuck?

Can somebody please tell me what the point of this is?














.

Just Remember

Girls may be able to have babies, but we men can stand up and pee in any direction we choose!

Monkeys have other uses.

Sure, monkeys make great rocket ship companions, but there are other things they are good for too... I mean come on, they do that thing where they throw their poo... and they might have other great qualities.

Oh, How it could be...

Sometimes I wish I didn't have a sister, the rest of the time I just wish I had a gun and a get out of jail free card.

PB&J Instructions

Here are the promised instructions to assembling your very own peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.














Enjoy!

PB&J

I can think of no better midnight snack than 2 peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches. Here is my recipe: 4 slices of fresh bread (no end-pieces!), Smuckers Strawberry Preserves (this comes with full strawberries in the jelly!), Skippy Extra Crunchy Peanutbutter (this is the only brand that is acceptable). Next time I will instruct on how to assemble the sandwiches.

A Boy for Danielle

Danielle finally has met a guy that I actually enjoy. If only there was a way to convince them to get married, buy a place together and somehow keep Danielle from being a super bitch and screwing it up. Even if it means morphine being shipped in by the semi-load.

What to do???

I finally have this nice, new, awesome camera and nothing to take pictures of. I would have taken one of Danielle trying to kill us this afternoon with a fire that was out of control and right above two propane tanks, but I was busy trying to put it out so that I could live to take pictures of other cool things... Hopefully these cool things will come soon. Until then let us watch in anticipation of Doug's awesomeness in comic making. Praise El Dougo!

Miami Wins!

Take that Kobe.

The Best Shave of My Life

Today I bought The new Gillette Fusion Power Razor... Because I was in need of a new razor and it was cheaper than the manual one.... I thought to myself that I couldn't see how a battery making the razor vibrate could help me not cut my face and head. Upon trying it, it was the quickest, most bloodless and smooth shave I have ever had. I am simply at a loss for words.

Now We Play the Waiting Game

The camera has been ordered and should be here Wednesday!Isn't it beautiful???

Cheer Up Doug

Look what the future has in store for The Boy...

Buddy Christ.

You know you want one.

A Preview of Things to Come

Witness Old Doug!

A Movie for the Ages.

Welcome to Warren Township Highschool in Gurnee, Illinios...

General Announcement

From this point forward there will be no further posts that involve Alf or the Alf look-a-like Tim Thomas.

Becoming a Man.

The first step in becoming a man is not what many think it is, on the contrary, the first step is being able to make your own damn sandwich. Not the widely help belief of admitting you don't know the answer and are stupid. And, upon completion of said sandwich (which should be packed with lots of meat if you truly are a man) devouring it in 3 to 5 bites. The other route to becoming a man is to make someone else make the sandwich immediately upon the given order so that you may devour it in 3 to 5 bites.

This is the first step to becoming a man.

The Future, The Weather, and Some Good Advice to a Friend...

Auto response from Lauren: Tonight was one of the worst nights I have ever had and I would do anything to erase it from memory. I am absolutely disgusted with the male gender and have never felt so violated in public. Shame on YOU!

Me: I'm sorry guys suck.
Lauren: Yes they do!
Me: Only like 95% do.
Lauren: Ok, I will give you that.
Me: I hate most of them too.
Me: Sarah thought it was odd that most of my friends are not actually guys.
Lauren: That’s good to know, but you are one of the good ones, so you have nothing to worry about.
Lauren: Haha.
Lauren: Maybe you are more enlightened than most men.
Me: Eh.
Me: I wouldn't go that far.
Lauren: LOL
Me: I just don't enjoy the company of a bunch of losers whose good time consists of trying to "pick up chicks" while being too drunk to think.
Lauren: That’s exactly what happened tonight except they got grabby with their hands.
Me: Bastards.
Lauren: Exactly.
Me: They give guys like me a bad name... I hate them.
Lauren: It’s true, and it’s not fair.
Me: I agree.
Lauren: Well Chris, thanks for the chat, but I’m beat, I think I’m going to turn in.
Me: Okay.
Lauren: You need to bring some of the Florida weather up here.
Me: LOL
Lauren: Seriously, I think there will be frost tonight.
Me: That is horrible.
Lauren: It is.
Me: That's why I'm trying to move down here.
Me: Florida or Arizona.
Me: I think eventually I will end up in Arizona.
Lauren: Why there?
Lauren: Is it cheap to live?
Me: Warm and dry.
Lauren: Bad for the skin.
Me: Only if you don't take care of yourself.
Lauren: Very true.
Me: I have that Greek skin.
Me: It doesn't really bother me.
Lauren: Yeah, mines Armenian so I’m pretty well set, I hope.
Me: That's good.
Me: Anyways, don't let retard guys get you down.
Lauren: Haha, I’ll try not to.
Me: And, I won't think any worse of you if you change teams... :-P
Lauren: LOL
Lauren: I’ll keep that in mind.
Me: LOL
Lauren: Have a good night Chris.
Me: Okay, you too.

Say Hello To Sexy Alf

Now gouge your eyes out.

Things to Come...

If I ever get ahold of a digital camera (and I will soon, I hope) there will definitely be pictures of dead possums posted.